In dutch we have the word zelfvertrouwen, which means ‘self confident’. But in this word ‘confident’ is the same word as ‘trust’. Literally it says self trust.
It was only last winter that I learned about this zelfvertrouwen. I thought it means to stand up for yourself, to be confident enough to find your place in the world, start new projects and tell other no or yes and stick with that.
But when I had moments of utter despair last winter, I found out what it really means. At the moment this despair came over me and I panicked. I was alone in the woods and did not know where to go or what to do. No friends, no family, no husband. I was alone. More alone than I had ever been. I could choose between running from this feeling or sit still and be there for myself. I would have run, but I didn’t know where to. So this time I just had to sit and save myself. I needed to comfort myself and not abandon or punish myself for feeling like this. And as I did, my fear and despair just melted away.
I now understand why the ‘trust’ part is there, what real trust means. Self trust means you can trust yourself to go through life the way it shows itself to you. You won’t run, you won’t hide, you are there for yourself, like a mother for a child, unconditionally. You have the deep trust you can handle what comes, without clinging to other people or making excuses or feeling guilty. You do not need anything or anyone outside yourself for that. Because who in the world could you trust more than yourself?