Lately I’ve heard myself telling people I hardly worked the past 6 months. But then I stopped myself. You hardly worked? Woman, you may have done more work in the past 6 months than you’ve done in your whole life. What do you mean with ‘work’?
Let’s go back a bit.
Most of my life, perhaps like you, I’ve been going back and forth between ‘the real world’ and my ‘inner world’. The real world being the world in which things are true and proven and inevitable. And the inner world where things are fluid and unpredictable and warm and safe. The two never really seemed to go together. I always had to chose. And chasing my inner world as my truth would mostly mean ridicule and laughter.
If you read my books and followed my journey a bit, you might know how difficult I made it for myself trying to fit into an outside world and keeping my inner world hidden, or just for myself. Not only was it an exhausting effort, it made me very anxious and it made me very insecure. Because most of the things I felt we’re thrown off as nonsense by the adults in my life, I very early started to doubt my own truth, my inner voice.
After my big breakdown at 26 (we called burnout at the time and I had many smaller breakdowns before) I slowly started to notice that maybe what we’re taught about life isn’t working for everybody. That life maybe was different for me and that maybe there would be some freedom in choosing my own path, in discovering a different route to a happy, healthy life. That someone as sensitive should take different care of herself than how people had showed me to take care of myself.
Later when we lived in France in the wild mountains, I was broken in half again by the crisis in my marriage and that was the moment Mother Earth told me I wasn’t being honest with myself. From then on my guides stepped forward and lead me back to myself. To my inner knowledge. To wolf woman as I called her in my book. She slowly helped me to bring my inner world to the outside, to start showing people who I am, and to start seeing that my sensitivity isn’t weakness, it’s an enormous gift if I start using it instead of being ashamed of it.
Well here I am years later and as it goes I felt I learned so much. I felt I was pretty comfortable with being a healer, with being honest about it, with my life, my family, myself. But yet… I maybe got a little too comfortable, a little too proud of myself for being brave. Because just like Mother Earth had told me before, I still wasn’t being totally honest with myself. I still had these images of how I wanted to be, how I wanted life to be, I was still hiding some parts of myself. So I was still making the divide between the what the outer world wanted of me and my inner world could handle. And after some reminders I heard in the night and forgot about in the morning, somewhere early October I couldn’t get out of bed anymore. My heart was all cramped, I couldn’t stop crying and felt like I just gave birth, in a bad way. I was so scared, couldn’t understand what was happening to me, the doctors couldn’t find anything wrong with me, but I felt like I was dying.
This took a week.
In that week I consulted different of my human guides as well as my spiritual guides and they all said: start doing what you want, what feels good to you. Throw out all else, it’s just though of, it’s not real.
But who in the world can do what they really want? There are kids with needs and money to be made and bills to pay and family members with birthdays, and hairs to wash and beds to make and animals to feed and carpenters waiting for coffee. And and and. There are a million reasons why I cannot do whatever I want. And a million reasons I have to do what’s asked of me. After the denial the resistance came: This is not how the world works. It might seem nice to just sit in the garden and listen to your inner needs, but the whole world needs to work and somewhat struggle. This cannot be different for me.
And then the curiosity came up: is this really true? Couldn’t it be different for me? What if I just tried?
I didn’t really have a choice but listen, because I hardly had any energy to do my chores. I was navigating through dark days full of anxiety and physical pain while not trying to lose heart. Why again this path? Because your still not listening was the answer again and again.
To my surprise nobody around me lifted an eyebrow that I was not feeling well. That I was taking long naps in the afternoon. That my heart hurled too bad. That I felt like I was dying. Didn’t dare to leave the house or drive the car anymore. They all just took care of me like it was all normal. My husband took on some tasks, our friends did, our babysitter, my mother, the neighbors. They all picked up where I let go. Without questions or comments they made space for me to rest, to heal, to do what I wanted to do. And I found out my needs are small but essential. I need clean food, little of it, I need natural light, I need to move my body, I need lots of rest, parts physical rest, parts meditation and stillness, I need beauty around me, I need a strong rhythm, I need lots of sleep, I need time in nature, I need to take care of my kids, to love the people in my life firmly, and I need a lot of time in my spiritual world and I need to be able t talk about all my experiences in this spiritual world, how crazy they may seem.
Other than this, there is very little I need.
Being honest with myself about what I need and providing it, was one side of getting out of the rabbit hole I got stuck in. What seemed impossible at first seems so easy once it was happening.
The other side was all the ideas I had and have about my work. As you might know I started out as a director. Which is hard work, creative work, lots of talk about money, lots of planning, long days, travel, doing your best to get a job, doing your best proving yourself. My husband still works in this field, while he’s perfectly good at it, I am reminded of what ‘work’ is ever day. the I became a writer and a healer, but my ideas of ‘hard work’, ‘money’, ‘exhausting’, ‘difficult’ and ‘unfree’, sticked with me. So you have to work hard, until your exhausted to prove you’re doing your best, to achieve and to earn (more than) enough money to pay for whatever you need to pay to accomplish a life where you showed your worth and are not being kicked out of your house.
Deep inside I knew years and years ago that I wanted to get out of this. That I wanted to be free. That I wanted to be sovereign. That I believed life should be about other things, work should be about other things. That I truly wanted to live another sort of life.
So here I am. Invited to reinvestigate ‘work’. To redefine what my work is in this world.
The first thing I found is that there is a difference between paid work and soul work. And that we’ve been educated to be afraid of the paid work, or more of the absence of paid work. Because no pay means no security. Is this really true? My guides said no, it’s not true. You just chose to believe it. And I knew they were right. I didn’t understand it, because money=life is a deep program, but deep inside I felt it as truth. As freedom.
Well, here you are. A perfect example of how easy it is to leave your inner truth for outer truth. Because isn’t this one of the roots of why we feel so stuck? Everybody’s worried about having not enough money. We’re reminded of its dangers every single day. Even people I know with more money than they’ll ever need feel stuck because they think they need to do payed work to prove their worth to the world.
So these lasts months I’m slowly trying to free myself from these patterns and I’m doing this not by trying to argue that I need to earn money, but to surrender to trusting my soul work. Because another thing I ‘know’ is that if I choose to do my soul work, all of it without hesitation or shame, I will receive everything I need to need a safe, abundant life.
My soul work involves a lot of sitting on the Earth. It involves a lot of lighting candles for Nature, for people, for animals. It involves recognizing many beings, nature spirits, rivers, mountains, winds, angels, that are overlooked by most of our human family. My soul work is to alchemize a lot of the energies going around in the collective. My soul work is to guide certain people trough the dark. My soul work is to remember people of things they forgot. My soul work is bringing love to Earth. Bringing love to heart. Bringing love to what remained unloved in our world. In my heart. In our hearts.
Practically this looks like writing this piece today. And then picking up my youngest son from day care at noon. Sit in the sun this afternoon. Maybe offering some rose petals to the river. Cooking dinner and take a long bath before going to bed.
Yesterday I sat in the sun for most of the day on a fallen tree. It made me feel so good I can hardly explain it. And when I went to bed and tuned in I could see waves of rainbow energy going back and forth from that spot. I hadn’t done anything. but I ‘knew’ I had been clearing and bringing down so much energy the planet needs right now.
This is how I’m learning to trust who I am. What I can do. I’m learning to trust what my work is. What my truth is. Who I am. How I can contribute to this world and trust that I will be taken care of if I do. Without questions, without hesitations. It’s proces.
I’ll still write my articles that I love and believe in, I’ll go one giving paid sessions to clients, I’ll always make my plant remedies tad sell them to people who feel they need them. Because I love doing it. Because it feels like my soul work. But I’ll continue making more room to feel each day what my soul work really is and do it. Even if it seems ridiculous or nothing like work from the outside (world).