I’ve been really ill this last month and I had a moments I was in so much pain I could feel death enter my aura. One of those moments was on the highway, with a car full of kids. I pulled over, got out of the car onto the grass,someone called an ambulance and the doctors could not find anything. I’ve been there before several times in my life, in the ER with death creeping up my spine and besides a lot of symptoms no physical problem to detect. “Panic attack” is the diagnosis, but I’ve had panic attacks, this is not it. This dying is a spiritual crisis and in these moments I miss my initiation as a healer the most. I miss my tribe who knows what’s happening, who recognizes this path, who can tell me what to do, what tools to look for in myself. I miss a world that understands me so much I could scream. All I want is to go outside and curl up under a bush.
But we’re never really alone, the trees comfort me, the land holds me, and I have one person in my life who walked this darkness before me, who knows the path of the wounded healer, and she saves me by telling me I’m not crazy, that this is real. That the world is so much bigger than we suspect, and that we can handle it, that we can find our place in the world if we are 100% true to ourselves, 100% in line with our soul. I’m 90% true to myself, I still cheating on myself and negotiating with myself to fit in, to be loved. Because I’m still afraid no one will love me if I’m just myself, even if I know they love me even more when I show them my whole. Death comes en creeps into that 10% fakeness and guides me towards a 100% realness. She invites me to let it all die, the part I am not. I know that now, it’s been a hard lesson and I’m still recovering. When I felt the call of healership I knew it would be hard, I never aspired to be healer and I can’t recommend it, I hesitated for years to listen to this call. Being in relationship to so many forces is hard. But as Glennon Doyle says: it’s the right kind of hard. The true and beautiful kind of hard.
I’m not a healer for myself, nor for other people or for their approval. I’m because my energy belongs in the order of things, of the big things, of the natural world. And all I have to be is myself, all I have to do is sink into my energy, into my soul, 100%. We’ve learned it is dangerous to be ourselves, that we have to be better than ourselves. But I’m learning again and again it’s dangerous to not cheat on ourselves. It makes you weak and sick.
Look at the tree, at the rabbit, at the bird. They aligne with their soul, it’s all they do and they are wild and free because of it.