The name you give yourself is what defines you to others. So what do you do?
I find it hard to name myself, or more exact : to be honest about my name.
I write on my book, a screenplay, articles and on this blog . I read for work and for pleasure and for eduction. I’m on the road for interviews. I give lectures and classes. I give healing sessions and readings , I am a class-parent at school, and I do a lot of work around the house and take care of my family and a zillion crystals and (herb)plants.
I cannot explain how I got here. I used to be a filmmaker and found myself without a profession two years ago, but with a yearning story in my chest. A story about human worth and love and truth that was pounding louder and fiercer than my heart and that had to get out. I had to make way for it. Still now, everything I do that is not in line with that story is difficult, hard, frustrating and everything I do in service of the story is easy, light and fulfilling.
Being in service can be hard for modern people like us. The story in my chest has commended me to let go of any security financially or status wise. It has commended me to give up on all kind of things I loved and to spend most of my time alone. It has commended me to call myself a healer for crying out loud, a medicine woman, a woman of story. Anything other than that gives me a headache straight away or panic attacks long term. I obey because finding excuses is more hurtful that begin honest to myself.
I would love to call myself a writer or director or anything glamorous, but unfortunately, that’s not my name. I am a woman with stories in her chest that will have to come out one by one. That is my purpose, that is what I am made of, just like the bird flies, the frog jumps and the tree stands.
I have been trying to make excuses and live around my purpose for so many years and I was hurting because of it. I was not brave enough to stand up and be honest about who and what I am. And still now there is shame. I taught myself to be so afraid of not fitting in and not getting accepted for who I am, that I have tried to be all things to all people and screwed at the same time.
So here I am. The modern story woman. The modern medicine woman. The modern healer. This is the best I have the world to offer and I will bring my offering to you with humility.