panic

Last week I had a panic attack. I was lying in my bed at home and the energy was soaring through my body. I was in a wild state of fear of death, like I have been so many time  throughout my life as an adult. Nothing was the matter in my world. My husband peacefully sleeping next to, the children dreaming in their soft beds, the hens on their sticks with round feathers, food in the fridge. Nothing was wrong.

I felt the energy raging through every vessel of my being, looking for food. My heart racing and my blood like a wild river. I lay still en felt as if I was somebody else. So this is what it feels like, this is panic. Now I my thoughts joined in. The familiar thoughts that come with panic. This is going wrong. I am ill. What if… Am I going mad? Is this a heart attack? What if the panic will not go away anymore? What if..?  Then I realized it was like a tape playing, I knew these thoughts, they are Pavlov and the realization stopped them before I started to believe them. At least, I did my best to stop them, I could not really, so I listened to them, again as if I was someone else. And I started to question my feelings.

What does all this energy want from me? What is it trying to tell me? Why am I so afraid to die? Who am I so important that I cannot die? Why are these thoughts freaking me out so much?

Then Aleppo came into my mind. The horror, the real fear of death. An immense sadness came over me and miraculously the answer to my questions came out of it. What I felt soaring through my body was death.

As soon as that word, that forbidden, hunted, made-evil world, entered my mind I became unbelievable calm. Death. Life and death being present in everything. Death making life possible, life making death possible. Pushing out death, denying out, fearing it, does the same with life. It stops it.

Now I know what my panic is, it is resistance against the death part in the circle of my life. Resistance against diminishing, decrease, letting go. Releasing stress and tension and old believes and emotions that not serve me anymore. It is showing the painful truth to nurture the new, beginning, ideas, increase, life. Every time I change, I grow, I enter the dark death part of the circle and I go into wild resistance that death will win and overtake me. It is ignorance I see now, a failure to see what life truly is. I have felt that failure in panic, but I did not understand it.

I will have to be brave and try to surrender to death in my life, to get to know it, understand it, thank it, because without death, I would not only be stuck in my growth, I would not be alive. I would be dead.

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