Happy 2017 dear you!
Seventeen has been my lucky number since high school, because it was the birth date of the boy I loved madly in those years. Something was in there, in the boy (who is still my friend) and in the number, which still points out direction in my life on a daily base.
About this new year 17, I think it could be a wild one. Over the last weeks a lot has built up, you can read it in the news, but also on a personal level. I took some weeks off to deal with a huge frustration in me, the strains from ambivalent feelings all over the place. Like we’re living on two levels at the same time. There’s this strong developed inner world that is asking so much attention, so much trust and is giving so much inner guidance. And then there’s the big world with all it’s troubles and fights and beauty and I cannot seem to get the two to come together. The world seems to aks for different things, things we cannot always give if we want to stay true to our inner life, our true nature.
I feel torn between the two. How behave, look, talk right while you have this intense fire burning inside of you screaming to surrender to the flames and be nobody. Saying money and power and status have run out, but the bills have to be payed. Saying that I should talk to trees more, start my herb garden, have another baby. But I have already two children to take care of and the world does not believe in talking to trees or the true qualities of herbs.
Frustration is building up and I know it’s telling me to become even more honest, radically honest about all the things that live inside of me, that live in all of us, our wild nature. I know it is not my purpose to be like anyone else, to be understood, to be beautiful or ‘right’, it is my purpose to be honest about who and what I am. To be nude and unafraid of what the world will say about who and what I am.
I know I will always be scared. To be alive is to be afraid. But it’s allright, fear has shown me where to go all my life. It has pointed out where it hurts, where light is needed, where love needs to go, exactly as the number 17 has done.
So for this special year, this 2017 I will ask myself : what is needed for this honesty?
First of all we will sell our house in Amsterdam and move into the country side again to build a bigger homestead. I will finish all the work I started over the last year. My book, screenplay, a new class at The School of Life, then a new book and my herb garden. And a baby? Who knows. A year of manifestation and coming out of everything that has been growing beneath the surface. Untying the knots of frustration. A lucky year indeed.