perfectly broken

My parents got divorced when I was 13 years old. This had a huge impact on me, but I never took this too serious. So many of the people I know got divorced parents or themselves are separated from the father/mother of their child . So why put salt in the wounds by whining about it?

Lately I have come to the conclusion I am broken by my past, like most of us are in some way. We all have scars from our past, because things happen and life is not perfect and we all develop habits and convictions to master our pain. I am afraid of not being seen for who I am, I am afraid to be left behind, to be rejected, to not been taken care of when I need help. It is hard for me to accept real intimacy, to be known, to be weak. I never miss other people, I am always preparing to leave. This is part of who I am, but moving around the hurt has become more hurtful than allowing it. This is who I am too.

My parents did something that hurt me, but they did a thousand more things that healed me. Loving me unconditionally for one, encouraging me, believing in me, teaching me how important it is to be independent, to use my freedom, to be creative, to be brave, encouraging me to think for myself, to make my own decisions en to not judge other people for theirs. To cook, to honor food, to build a home, to love my work and to travel.

They have supported me through it all and always let me know how proud they are. And, going through their divorce, they showed me how important it is to honor yourself, to listen to yourself, mostly when it gets really though. I am indefinitely thankful for all they gave me.
And from this perspective, hurting me 25 years ago, is just roadkill.

I know now I won’t be able to prevent hurting my children, because like my parents, like life, I am not perfect. I want to give the people I love the very best of me, all of me, which means I will also give them things they will not like or need or that will even hurt them.

The point is, it’s not about perfect, it is about wholeness. Things will never be exactly the way we want them to be, we’ll have to find the courage to see things exactly the way they are. All of it.

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