In France a lot of very spiritual people surround us. Shamans, clear voyants, guru’s. City people come to visit them in the mountains to learn something new. Other neighbours are less spiritual, but just as interesting, turning away from modern life and consumerism. They moved to the end of the world to live a completely different, or self-sufficient life, or to find a way out of the lives they felt stuck in. The mountains are a perfect place to find that alternative way. There is space, there is nature, there are so many different types of thinking, people let each other be (most of the time, but still).
Seeing all these different values, searches and levels of spirituality, I also re-think why I wanted to leave. I knew I was looking for something else. Back in high school I knew that what they were all talking about, would not be for me. Still I tried to do ‘normal’ and ‘fit’ in. But like I wrote before, every time I tried what was right (or perfect) it all just exploded in my face.
Some people tell me I fled from my difficulties, and that being an emotional refugee makes no sense, you take your problems with you wherever you go. Others say I try to escape the normal responsibilities of life, like having a job, a mortgage, etc. And again others think I am brave, because I dare to give up everything to find something new. I don’t know if there is a right answer, I think the moment I left there was some truth in all of them. I tried to escape, because I felt crushed in the way I was living. I needed some distance to see my possibilities. To learn more about freedom, about priorities, to experience myself in a totally different surrounding. And of course I fled, from my panic attacks, the stress of the city. And it is true that I just took my difficulties with me. In France I found other problems, other things to be scared of, other excuses not to finish my book. Like there would be anywhere. And I also have been brave. Al lot braver than I thought I could be. And now I have to be even braver. To show myself what I am made of. And that is nothing. Giving it all up to get everything back. Letting go of all defense mechanisms and looking right into my own dark spots. So simple but so indefinitely scary. Again.