let it go

Last october when I drove back to our mountain from The Netherlands I put the movie ‘Frozen’ on in the car. No idea what the effect would be, especially on our three year old who has been singing ‘Let it Go!’ coming from her toes ever since. I came home and all the leaves were falling and nature was letting go of everything it didn’t need anymore for winter. I decided to do the same. I sat by the fire in the evening wishing for life to show me what I could release. I didn’t really know what I was wishing for. Nor how scary it would become. Five months later I can say I am almost another person. Not only did I change a lot physically, I have been confronted with so many ideas that kept me locked in one place. Ideas I didn’t realize I even had. I came to the painful point of letting them go: Let go of the idea of needing money. Scary. Let go of the idea that life will turn out good. Hopeless. Let go of the idea that marriage is for life. I can’t breath. Let go of the idea that I can protect my children. My heart breaks. Let go of the idea that I am in control. I’m in chaos. Let go of the idea that things have to be good. I am so unhappy. And each time, how horrible the experience tend to be, I came to the point that I would finally let go. And the surprising thing is the ‘holding on’ was much more painful than the letting go. Because once I let it go, it didn’t have to be anything anymore. My marriage turned out just so loving and sweet, my children love me to pieces and new more interesting work is around every corner. So I get new things in return! New things that suit me so much better. And I didn’t lose ANYTHING, just the idea. And I am gaining everything. I learned to trust myself and life so much more by not cornering it with how it should be. To just accept that difficult and painful is not the end, it is just part of it, and it will go on for the rest of my life. The circle of holding on, resist to let go, being forced to do so and feeling the freedom it brings. And only at the end of this long and painful process it hit me that there was this little girl singing it to me al along: ‘Let it Go! /Let it Go/ That perfect girl is gone/ Here I stand/ In the light of day/ Let the storm rage on’. Here it is in 25 languages, for everyone to hear.

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