insecure

First the neediness made its entrance and now, two weeks before going back to France, so has the feeling insecure. I observe it like it is happening to someone else. Like an experiment. What changes when you drop out of the ratrace? And what happens when you move back in?

Just two months ago I felt so strong about my new life. Now I’m back to thinking everything should be more like other people, afraid to drop out, afraid to stay behind. It’s funny to see how the human mind works, how you adapt to what the people around you do and think, even if you think you don’t. I find myself looking into perfect living rooms with new couches and being jealous… And I become aware I’m adapting to capitalism again. To the idea that you can’t make it if you don’t join. That it even would be unsafe not to join.

But instead of falling in the same traps again, I try to ask myself; what is ‘joining’? What is ‘to make it’? And what would be ‘unsafe’? And on the other hand: what would it mean to not join in? To not make it? To live unsafe in the capitalist sense? What would that really mean?

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