alone

One of the reasons I wanted to live so far from society is that I need to become my ‘own’. I want to learn who I am without my identity, my work, my friends and family. Without all the ideas I have about myself, without the ‘seeing myself to other people’s eyes’. And I really do feel I’m shedding all those things. When everything becomes so simple, you start to notice the little things. I start to discover a whole different world that has always been there, I was just too busy and too overwhelmed with the big stuff to realize it was there.

I remember ten years ago, when my burn-out started in such a wave of panic I thought I was going to die. All I could think of was that I hadn’t understand life, not the least of it. In the light of despair ‘life’ seemed so different from everything I had learned. That it is this thing that you have to do well, a long string of achievements. Suddenly it dawned to me that I so had misunderstood the word ‘life’. Or the meaning of life if you want. Something you need to DO, instead of something you need to BE.

And now, I think of that time a lot. I changed things in my life, but I haven’t actually changed. Although it is wrapped up; I am still afraid to step out of the approval of others. I am still afraid that I am not good enough for the world. I still see life as something I need to control. I realized that when I got off the plane and found so many different reasons to blame myself that it ever happened, I still hadn’t understand anything. Old structures are so powerful.

I can keep on living in the world I know, if nothing changes. I can be online, read newspapers, look for people who confirm my thoughts, trying to keep impressing with my work. But I need to be alive, not try to own it. I am here alone on a mountain and if I am not going to spread my wings now, it will probably never happen. I am losing the context of who I am. Who I need to be. I am losing my form and becoming my own, and as that makes me so free, it makes me deeply lonely at the same time. I have never been more myself and I have never been more lonely. I miss my form, although it wasn’t doing me right.

And I am really loving this song right now, obviously…

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