I am about to make a decision that I thought I’d taken a while ago, but sometimes you seem to have to take a decision over and over again before you are ready to act on it. Like going on a diet. This is a decision I know I will be mocked about by my peers and a younger generation. A decision that maybe will be blessed by an older generation that seems to understand. And a decision that hopefully is going to change my life forever.
I’m quitting my career.
Giving up a career I’ve been working on with such deep dedication for over 15 years is not something you do overnight. It’s like a relationship, first you’re deeply in love and willing to do anything to get more of where that came from. Then for a very long time you are just happy, exploring new possibilities, celebrating small and bigger victories, this is what you do, this is who you are. And then, slowly, there comes a time when you start to realize this maybe is not working for you anymore. You’re ignoring the signs, you’re telling yourself why you want this now, why you wanted it before, and why you should still want it in the future. You’ve invested so much, people depend on you, expect things from you. And then slowly you start to admit that things aren’t so good for you as you thought, that maybe this is not who you are anymore. That maybe, just maybe, it’s time for a change.
That’s why T., our two children and I moved here to this tiny isolated village in the Pyrenees. You must think I’m insane to leave 15 years of investing in my life as a director behind to move out of sight. Leave my status, my name and identity. And on a more personal level, leaving my comfortable life with a nanny, a housekeeper, fancy clothes and great holidays. Yes, I still hesitate to admit it, but I also know I took the decision a while ago. From all the endless possibilities that life has in store, I’m choosing to finally feel good.
It doens’t mean that I will stop working. Working is who I am. Even in the most hardest of times I’ve been painting, taking notes and writing. It is a part of who I am. Quitting my career means letting go of the part that sticks to work that is about achieving. About being noticed by others. Being the best at what your doing. And it is that part that has draws away so much of my energy and attention to the point that I don’t know what story I should tell to whom anymore.
My work is about telling stories about people, about life, about the universe. I have been brought up with the dogma that my life would only become a success if I would actually have social success. Now it’s time that I start to tell myself something different. That I stop working for the approval of other people, that I start working on telling stories without taking it personal. Because the funny thing is that I’m not even afraid that my stories won’t be good enough, I am only afraid of what people will think of me when they read them.