The neediness is back.
One month in Amsterdam and the restless feeling of wanting is getting under my skin again. I am so aware of it now and it is how I used to feel all of the time before. To think of what I need, what I should buy, what would be nice. The urge for new clothes, new toys, plants for the garden, anything that will make my life better. When I’m on the street I look around with the eye of a preditor. It is SO tiring and it takes so much energy to constantly be in a state where what you have is not enough, you need more and better. More and better of everything: More money, more time, more stuff, healthier food, better haircut, better choices. It exhausts me.
When I get back home, I just sit in the garden. It is beautiful weather. We bake a cake with the apples we picked last week. And I remember how I don’t need anything from that. All I really need is my family and a clear head.
How can you give anything to the world if you think you need SO much from it?