to want

There are a thousand things to say about the contrast of coming to the city after the peace of the mountains. It really has been a life away from the world, and living in a city like Amsterdam is being total part of the world again. The energy that anything can happen is quite fantastic. It really is inspiring to be part of a creating community. There are so many people that flourish here, talent is everywhere, it’s one of God’s beauties.

On the other hand there’s the usual suspects like the ongoing noise. I am not used to hearing sounds ALL the time anymore, and now I hear them all. The rush of the traffic, the neighbours telephone, voices, the builders, doors closing, music, everything. My daughter still jumps up and points at the air all exited when a plane crosses the sky. Which is every three (!) minutes. But the difference that is most clear to me is the wanting.

In France I have learned not to want so much anymore. There is nothing to buy, nothing to be. If I need something (like new sandals) it can take up to two weeks before they arrive, in the wrong size. So it will take another month to get them in the right size. Time enough to lose all your interest in sandals. Before you know it rains all month and you need wellies instead.

The wanting goes way further than new shoes, and it is here that I realize how much I’ve been wanting and needing before. There was a ‘neediness’ all over my life. It was in my heart. New things, better jobs, more money, more time off, attention from my husband, being thinner of healthier. I was always needy. So much that I never realized it.

Only now I notice how I’ve lost it. People ask me how it is to be back, and I don’t really have an opinion. I am happy with the children, I am happy when the sun is shining, I cook nice food. Life is good. France is too different to keep comparing, and what’s the use? I am here now. My husband is working 24/7, I am being a mother and get small amounts of work done. But apparently I’ve learned to surrender to the situation and not needing of wanting something else to be happy of fulfilled.

I know how zen this may sound, and it actually feels that way too. I am surprised I got here in a way I never thought I would. I always had the idea I had to become much more spiritual and more confident to be able to feel this way. But the only thing I had to do was just walk away from it. Not doing more, but just leaving it.

When I walk through a busy street I can feel it; I am different now. Some people question me about work, to check if I have become a stay-at-home mom, something that is still heavily judged. And in that sense yes; my primal activity is taking care of my children. Something I would be very critical about before, has become something I am so thankful of now; that I have this time with them. All this love is never going to be taken from me again. And I am working, in a totally different amount and pace as I am used to. But a have a quiet heart now, because now I know there are so many things waiting for us passed the rush of blind ambition and always wanting something better.

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