old patterns

Living in full force nature, far from shops, traffic and advertisements felt like one big relief. “We escaped!” And our first months here have been a celebration of that feeling. But over the last weeks, the stress of modern life has found us once again. T has found himself in some complex stress situation with the film he’s working on, and has taken us as a family with him in the whirl. We haven’t properly seen him in almost two months, as he is working 24/7 and when we are with him he is on the phone or pre-occupied by his work. So I am with the children and trying to run our life here in France, which can be pretty intense. I get a glimpse of what it is to be a single mother, and I can’t have nothing but enormous respect for the women who are. What a though job: little freedom, no time for yourself and a huge lack of support and relief from another parent. We are a family and we need to be together, that’s why we will go to Amsterdam for a couple of weeks and try to have our family life again. 

One of the major things causing stress for T is that his work schedule allows no time for family. It is just not considered important. And once again we are sucked in the grid we all know so well. Work is everything, achievement is everything. Daily life, love and well-being is something you just have to figure out in your ‘own’ time, not something to ‘bother’ others with. When we were in Amsterdam last month, I got the flu and T totally panicked over it. ‘Now our life is broken’, he said. There was simple no space to handle anything unexpected.

I knew it would be difficult to choose for something else, to try and find a new form of work and love. But it is a lot more difficult than I thought. The system is not open for the ‘soft’ part of life, we are not used to it and feel it is decadent to want time for rest en family. So I am trying to make a plan for Amsterdam. What can I do to not fall back into the grid again?

First of all I need to remind myself that I am totally free. Free of old ideas, dogma’s and expectations. Second of all I have to stay out of the guilt trap: feeling guilty about everything I do ‘wrong’. Taking my son away from his French school, not providing enough money, stability. Not wearing the right clothes, not being fit enough, not seeing my friends enough, missing deadlines. It are all ideas that don’t stand if you examen them just a little closer. And third of all I will have to stay in contact with the truth: something that can be so hard to find in an environment where everyone is trying to be better than they think they are. So many people are telling stories and try to stay away from reality.

I have collected so much strength and authenticity on this mountain. I am going to bring it all when I go back to where I came from!


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