It is happening. Oh yes it is and like the Peter Pan story begins: it all happened before and it will all happen again. The ego trap. I fell in it. For days I’ve been so in-content, obsessed with my weight, what I deserve, what went wrong, worrying about little things, lack of concentration, exept for the things that are not like I want them to be. Yoga is a frustration, meditation is making a shopping list with my eyes closed. Sure it’s the time of the supermoon and my period, but this creeping feeling ‘it should all be better’ is ego taking over the steering wheel. Somewhere along the way she convinced me it would be a good idea to let her drive, because it’s such a busy time and I have better things to do, etc. Now she’s bossing me around, telling me I do it all wrong all of the time and meanwhile she’s taking me nowhere.
It hit me yesterday when I read Rainer Maria Rilke somewhere in my notes – it always seems to be him who saves the day- “Make your ego porous. Will is of little importance, complaining is nothing, fame is nothing. Openness, patience, receptivity, solitude is everything.”
Again and again I come to this point. Fighting to be someone. To be worthwhile. And then finding out there’s only one answer :To accept I can be nobody.
To be nobody.
The minute I think those three words a load falls of my shoulders. To be nobody. I may just fall together with the small girl inside. I do not have to make this person out of myself who is good enough for the world. I am already good enough, Maybe it doesn’t look like the movies, but things can be good in so many ways as there are colors in this world, a lot more surprisingly and interesting than the movies. I know this, but I have to actively remember myself of it. There are so many ways to Rome, there are indefinite happy endings to all the stories in our lives. The best way to navigate is to sit firmly back into who and what are and let all the noise wash away. Be nobody and experience everything.
Of course I am afraid that I cannot handle the things I want to do with my life – these are big things. A third child, building my own house , be a healer, writing books, living a independent life away from society, be myself. It scares me and brings worries when ego is there. But as soon as I put her consciously in the passengers seat I know I can fill these challenges with love and make them meaningful. How beautiful and ugly they will be. The heart knows we as humans have the capacity to give meaning to whatever happens to us. To bring spirit into it, love, sacredness. In the small and the big. This is our only task.
I chose small right now, because I’m a student at this, a beginner. The principle that if you make picture perfect, the inside will become perfect too, is stalled deep inside of me. I keep falling back into it, into my ego, into believing that clothes, house, succes, Instagram will make me feel complete. Everything in our culture reminds me of this the whole time. I have to actively do my homework every single day to remind me of my soul and seeing through those images and honor my heart. Stop complaining. Stop wanting. Be still. Long for that stillness and meaning starts flowing to you from every corner of the universe. Sit in the driver’s seat.