Lately a phrase ran through my mind  : let go of the past. We all know this mantra to not cling to anger, guilt or grief over whatever it is that happened to you. But now this sentence that kept whispering to me came with a different message. It suggested I’d stop revisiting all the stuff that happened in my life. The bad ànd the good. Just all of it. Not forget it, but letting go of its importance and let it be something that once existed, that once formed me, moulded me, wisened me, taught me, harmed me, shaped me. That once did all the things for me I needed to be done just to become who I am today. It suggest that I leave it here at the doorstep and free myself from its load. All the fear, the panic, the pain, the excitement, the adventure seeking, the divorce, my broken hearts, the guilt, the deception, the shame, the success, the promises, the expectations, just all of it. All those stories that I -one way or the other- keep going back to, to find meaning in my life now. What if I would just leave it all? What would that mean? What if I would stop reliving it, stop ruminating it? Wouldn’t that be freedom? Letting go of it all and just be who I am right now, who I want to be now.

And you know what, after having a scared life based on will power for so long, I think I would like a big life now, a magnanimous life, a true life, based on love and trust and beauty. I think I’m ready for the big stuff, the beautiful stuff. I want to feel bigger than myself. I want to feel sacred, nothing less or more than myself. No matter who I was, no matter who I will be, I feel I can be, just by being my best self, and to tell my fearful self, my critical self, my small self to make room, because my big beautiful self needs to shine all the way through!!

A good idea, but life – just as we know you sneaky bastard! – started helping me right away. First my laptop got stolen. Years of photographs, notes, letters and work lost. Some crappy but important backups are there, but all the memories are gone. Don’t cry over spilled milk is all I tell myself when my heart hurts over this picture, that picture, that interview, this movie. The prefect exercise. Yesterday I was in a crystal shop when I saw this beautiful big green agate. I knew it was mine immediately. There was no price on it, but I knew I would eat rice for the next coming weeks if I had to, this stone was going to nurture me more than food!
Once home I read the description the woman from the shop had added : letting go of old habits and belief systems. These urges come from much deeper in ourselves than we can imagine.