spring

It has been quiet here. While life has been nothing but quiet: We have renovated our house in Amsterdam, we got chicken and rabbits and a lot more living space. We have all kind of work projects tumbling over each other. The happy chaos of the children. The problems of daily life. Saying goodbye to our dog. Finding my way doing healing and bodywork. Planting the garden.

With spring coming out, with life taking on new form again, so am I. Deep inside me a new stillness is settling in. I am slowly disappearing. It is becoming so very very still inside. The voice of wanting, needing, having is shutting up at last.

Who am I? I wonder. I feel the question is no longer important. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. This makes me nervous, I was taught to be someone, that having a strong personality is my capital, and success is the currency I should spend on myself. The basic principles of modern life. I was holding on to it, although it was never satisfying or fulfilling.

These familiar questions about who I am, what I want, what I need. Now they are all empty, there are no answers here. No desires. I just am and I do what lies in front of me.  It does not matter how I feel or what I think or how much I cry. It’s all swallowed up in the emptiness of being nobody.
This might sound scary and it is sometimes, but it’s liberating too. It feels uncomfortably nice to be freed from having to prove yourself. Free from being weighted on the status scale.
It is not the first time I have been resisting something with full force that turned out to be  a blessing. ‘Being nobody’ goes against everything I have attempted and wished for, yet I feel deep inside of me this could be the most exciting thing that has ever happened. This could be what I really desired : something radically NEW!

 

 

 

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