There’s something bittersweet about feeling lonely when you know yourself deeply loved. There’s the sense of recognizing the part of you that longs for a deeper connection, for being known and seen for who you truly are, and this lack feels very sad but at the same time fertile, because that special connection might be found somewhere. maybe even soon.
Loneliness is something I’ve felt often in my life, at times. Not because I was alone, or unloved, but because my perception of the world is so different from most people, and because i often wondered of a deeper connection to other people could be possible And in autumn 2020 I felt ready and made a wish to the heavens. I wished to be able to feel a deeper level of love. The be able to know a different quality of love. I have felt it this warmer, deeper, broader, brighter love once in a while, but now I longed for it to integrate in my heart, to be able to love others better.
Just a few days after this wish I woke up in the middle of the night with a heart cramped so tight could hardly breathe. This came and went for over a year. No medical reason was found, my heart was healthy, but my heart chakra was cleared out deeply. This made me very tired and very ill, but it gave me the chance to rest and with the help of some fabulous healers to clear out life after life after life of trauma, grief and fear. Persecution after persecution.
At this point I’m dealing with the last part. A chambre of my heart that still needs attention, still needs healing, and I’m taking my time. Healing my heart has been an incredible journey, maybe even the journey of my life. I thought I had seen a lot, that I knew life, but over the past 16 months I’ve experienced levels of life a couldn’t even have imagined. Maybe I’ll write about, maybe not, it’s still fragile.
I have been a lone wolf all my life. Always working alone, wanting to spend long stretches of time alone. But now with the new year I feel a deep longing to start building a community. To start living on a piece of land with people who know how to live in reverence to the Earth and it’s creatures, who know how to be true to their soul and who understand we live and interact with so many other worlds than just the human the human world. People who are tired of playing small among other humans. Who are tired of leaving so many of their experiences out because they cannot be understood.
I want to us love the land deeply, nourish it and tend it. Together. Weave humankind back into the web of life. Together. I want people who got crushed in the machine to come and sit and our land, to find their soulskin back. To find themselves back. Just by connecting with an ecosystem that is well loved and balanced.
This is my work for the coming years, to create such a place. That it may radiate, that it may inspire. That true, deep, colorful love may flow into all the connections. That I may continue to go into the heavens, into all the other worlds to bring back treasures and continue weaving and weaving and weaving, until everyone who feels lonely, who feels the longing to be a part of the big, united natural world again, will find its way back to it.
I’m here for that.